I purposely do this so hell not do the same with me. Hosting a BBQ is a great idea. Its not annoying for either one of them, because they have both communicated that its something they like to do. My friends personalities changed drastically bitter, enraged, drug and booze binges, even suicidal ideation because losing Mommy destroyed them. Hell appreciate her more if she starts acting a little more independently. silver_dragon_girl This has been going on for 4 years and its not going to change on its own. Five months later I was pregnant. So the next time he says Im going to my parents house, just answer Have fun. My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly four years now and have discussed marriage in the near future. Anne has since finished her probation and has a 5-year-old son who my mother dotes on. It can still have a lot of randomness to it, but be bookended by specific activities. lets_be_honest John Rohan They were dating, they were both happy, so I think they both assumed that thinks will be the same once they move in together. You mention what you used to do when your were single. If this has only been happening for three weeks, I dont really think you have a reason to worry. GatorGirl seems a little quick to be so worried to me, considering the time of year. If mom is like, begging them to stay every single time, thats beyond just a mere annoyance obviously. Occasionally, this is fine with me and I understand Im not the only person hes away from while hes gone. I dont think that is healthy. muchachaenlaventana Your bf dated you before so you know he is capable of doing it again. He likely will turn into the bf, or if they marry the husband, who is the stay-at-home couch potato, while LW pines for outside the home activities. I Wish I Were Homeward Bound. January 20, 2012, 9:10 am. . I agree something seems off here, because they have lived together ALMOST THREE weeks, and go to his parents house NEARLY every weekend, but only since they have lived together. She does go with him on occasion, but it is something that is always an issue between them. Exactly! Bike riding? Not youre wrong and you have to change. which i think is what youre saying. So, instead of an adult whos ready to take on the world the result is someone with severely low self esteem that does Not seem to be able to take responsibility or make many if any decisions on their own. GatorGirl Its my little refuge, and sometimes I like coming home and just hanging out on the couch with the BF reading or watching movies. Maybe Im the weird one who, even if I leave work early, never seems to get home until wayyyy late. We will tell you right away that this way of thinking leads nowhere. He is not making her a priority & placing a lot of his focus & free time with his parents. after the fact she admitted there were things wrong with the relationship but she was so in love with him and couldnt imagine that he was really doing that to her. Just want to put my two cents in: I think its all about communicating. are they spending every minute of their entire weekend with his family? I absolutely love his family to death, but there are some boundary issues. Your husband does not know what to do with himself on weekends. Just set a boundary that you wont spend more than so-and-so-many hours there and get ready to leave when you want to. I know its tough when your fellow is away during the week and you want to see him too but if it stresses you out, take yourself out of the situation. January 20, 2012, 9:38 am. June 18, 2014, 12:46 pm. While there is nothing wrong with being close with your family, it becomes a problem when you prioritize your family of origin over your significant other. But I think what struck me is how little they seemed to have discuss things social preferences, money, etc. We live down the street from my boyfriends parents and hes always at there house on his days off. December 6, 2022, 12:17 pm. Well, I guess that frame of mind is just not one Im personally willing to take. . Once starting over was a better outlook then staying in the relationship, I or we got out. Yeah, it is all really about individual preferences. So say to your boyfriend: I dont want to spend weekend nights at [your parents] place more often than maybe once a month, even if we dont have anything else planned. How is this difficult? However, you could opt to take time off longer than a weekend to spend time with him. Thats why he wants to help them all the time and probably helps them with various jobs every weekend. Why My Husband Thinks Taking Care of the Baby is Easy: 3 Reasons. ReginaRey I mean, I worked so hard to play for this place, might as well enjoy it on occasion. Well, nobody lives forever, and guess what happens when were all in our 40s-50s? Those conversations should have happened before. But Im talking about my family. You know what will happen when you make him choose between spending every single weekend in the suburbs with his parents or three weekends a month in the city with you? They could deny it, and if they wanted to change, they could. But if throughout dating you looked for all those little signs and clues that led you to believe that you are on the same page, I do not see the need for an official information session, or why it is wrong to assume that things will just continue as they are. Something that youre going to have to communicate about. Yes. SpaceySteph You really do have to take strong measures to get through to them. But, in a very close and codependent family dynamic this doesnt get to really happen much. In my experience, if you manage to schedule some quality couple time whatever activity counts as that for you every weekend, youre likely to care much less about visiting the in-laws etc. Even with stuff planned, spending time with his daughter, etc., he still prefers to spend his free time at his parents home. lets_be_honest Theres no need for anyone to take offense if others would have an opinion that something that pertains to you is abnormal. Really? That an entire day together isnt enough? Dont settle for an interaction that feels stifling, or youll be dealing with a bigger issue when the parents pass away. A lot to balancenot a lot of time spent with the fam. Come on, BGM! That way your BF gets to see his parents, and you arent having to schlep back and forth. when we went to move in together we just said ok, what price range are you looking for. So much fun and its free! Theyre lovely people, but I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month, even if we dont have anything else planned. I cant imagine that life! But to leave your girlfriend every weekend for no other reason than youd rather spend time with your parents than with her is showing a major red flag. LW, how about writing back with the details? Its like of course your boyfriend told you he wasnt cheating on you he wanted to continue to bang you and get all the other benefits of the relationship. I could say that he can go by himself for these things, but I want the weekends for quality couple time since we both have pretty demanding jobs during the week. and how you spend your weekend time (in this case), i think considering the length of the LWs relationship is something they may need to talk about. My boyfriend goes to his mom and dads every weekend doesnt think me or my children with him he used to text me all the time and call me he doesnt do that anymore weve been together 3 years and there any place he ever takes me is to the grocery store and back home and he doesnt even hardly touch or kiss or anything anymore I tell him I love him all the time hell tell me back but I feel that he just tells me because he doesnt want it to hurt me. That was what I meant. If they are as busy with their jobs as she says, I could see where they didnt see each other all week and he would spend his free time on the weekends with her. You and your husband wanting to live in different placesis probably a usual cause of arguments in your marriage. Or drive somewhere without lots of light pollution to go stargazing. My husband and I will go to a public driving range and a large bucket is $9. You want to spend the weekend together, and he has to visit each of them. Like hey I can afford around this much, SO says I can afford a little more, so how about I pay a little more of the rent every month so we can get a nicer place? And when it comes to something as important and serious to me as moving in with someone, assumption just aint gonna cut it. "I Have you tried just not going? Keep in mind that anything that upsets this balance is going to seem drastic. I got to see my parents occasionally after work even when he was away. ive assumed i knew what my husband wanted/was thinking before, and because like i tell him often i unfortunately cant read his mind, ive been off. I Hate My New Job After 2 Days Is it Horrible To Quit? You even noticed thatyour husband wants to visit his family without you. That is not the way that I would ever want it to be. Not because hes wrong, or youre wrong, but because your lifestyles just dont fit together well. They are content with the status quo. If he still caves, or prefers spending time with parents rather than exploring the city with LW, then at least LW will have determined exactly where she stands and be able to make the appropriate decision about whether or not to stay with bf. But the way you split the total cost of living should be established before you decide to move in together. Addie Pray And am going to go to the bathroom, stick my head up my ass, sign lulabyes and probably have quite a splendid day. LolaBeans I never realized it actually made people feel like shit though. I think at around this point in relationships, the traditional roles of pursuer and pursued tend to go away. He considers you a party breaker because you dont want to sit all day every weekend with his family and listen to the same stories. Just the fact that his mom is dropping by unannounced makes me uncomfortable, considering the current state of the world. Sorry for the cynicism this morningits Friday and I woke up with a head cold. LW is definitely being reasonable in not wanting to spend every weekend with her boyfriends family. I am not asking you to minimize your concerns by any means, again just to caution you about being perceived as making this a me or your family conversation. If money is tight, you dont even have to plan expensive excursions. I thought the same thing. says that maybe he needs to transition from one house to the next, seeing as its only been three weeks. After a year and a half of this, I asked my ex if we could have a parent-free Sunday, just us. January 3, 2021, 2:57 pm. my husband and i dont sit down and interrogate each other. During football season we spend Saturdays and Sundays, all day, watching football with the same people. Years later, theyve never recovered. Do something small to build trust, and then your relationship will slowly but surely flourish. If you actually like your partner, there's a chance you'll want to spend Christmas day together. While he enjoys his sweet nostalgia and thinks abouthow good things used to be, you sit at home and wonder if you can handle such issues with such an immature husband. GatorGirl TaraMonster You guys share a toilet, you can afford some alone time one weekend a month. That it wouldnt be that big of a deal if the LW and the bf went out a couple of times to visit his parents together and if he went out a time or two on his own. And if they live together. Whats behind your husbands need to spend every weekend with his family? Like he was programmed that way. Even if they stay together and even if she manages to persuade her boyfriend to spend less time with his parents, the parents are going to resent the LW for it. And living together for only 3 weeks isnt enough time to really establish a routine. Should I Ask Out My Hot Massage Therapist?, When Do You Know Its Time to Break Up With Someone?, My Daughter is Trying to Ruin My Relationship. But this situation doesnt even necessarily sound like heavy parental guilting (even though the LW says it makes her feel guilty), just like oh we want to spend more time with you! and the LWs not as used to letting it go. I agree. Will.i.am Im not saying anyones wrong, either. Could that be why theyve been there so much? Yeah, money is always touchier than anything else. I have friends who are engaged and live together. Your problem is thinking you can change him. Agreed, there is too much time spent sitting on the couch in this letter. Im in the same situation as well. What I am saying is when you are dating, you establish certain guidelines. And sorry about the relationship ramble aboveits Friday, what can I say? Much of the advice seems to center around just talking to the boyfriend about the problem and even asking why the LW wrote to Wendy after only 3 weeks of a problem, without talking to bf. June 18, 2014, 2:59 pm, BIg difference between loving your parents and being codependent on them. CottonTheCuteDog For example, my SO knows I would love to adopt one day. Tell him that while you love his parents, you miss going into the city on weekends and having weekend time alone with him in the city too. June 18, 2014, 9:55 am. Just remember how he didnt want tomove out of his parents house. She says but I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month. So, we dont have a failure to communicate, we have a failure to reach agreement on how they should spend their weekends. I am extremely close to my family, I talk to them for the most part at least once a day. But according to the LW, they dont have anything else to do.. Well, thats separate problem. I think I need more info. June 18, 2014, 12:24 pm. Youre right. In all fairness- he probably has no idea this Irks LW so much. Laura Hope Youve lived together for three weeks. January 20, 2012, 9:36 am. And would you make someone feel bad because they have something else to do? January 20, 2012, 12:15 pm. You might even consider scheduling family holidays to spend time with Once that ebbs a little, I predict things are going to get problematic. You go along with him to his familys house. also, go on Pinterest and put in cheap date ideas. tbrucemom This can also be a consequence ifhis parents are selfishand manipulate him into feeling bad because he doesnt see them enough. You can even switch off on who decides on what you two do in the city. . Its time for him to grow up. I stand by it. In my experience, though, it seldom works. WebI've also been in a relationship with Tim for three years. January 4, 2021, 3:15 am. Lets see what to do with all our weekends, vacation and generally free time what to do with all our money oh, the abortion, should I get knocked up by the way, would you want or not want to know if I was cheating on you.. Oh, what else.. who is going to do the dishes, and who is taking out the garbage.. Am I forgetting anything? To me that is a bit thorough and ridiculous. Then, he needs to ask her, calmly and without accusation, why she prefers to spend her weekends with her Maybe thats what really got me thinking. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. January 20, 2012, 10:51 am, lets_be_honest But if that has been the case and she doesnt want it to continue, she should try to stop it now. June 18, 2014, 10:26 am. January 4, 2021, 3:30 am. Im curious to know where the boyfriend lived before he moved in with the LW. If its something that you just cant some to terms with, than it may just be an incompatibility that you two cant overcome. if you dont want there to be issues. He has no problem with his family coming to your place unannounced whenever they want and staying as long as they wish. June 18, 2014, 11:41 am. Does that make sense? What I am saying that the best time to discuss your spending habits is not when the bill is already on the table, or you dont discuss birth control when you are both naked and about to have sex. Cue unintelligble grumbling. No ones a bad person for saying these things (except my aunt, shes the worst and in a league of her own), but if youre someone for whom this feels like guilting, it can start making you feel so bad. SpaceySteph One thing that stood out was the mention of the division of expenses, LW even though you put it almost just as an aside, I think its something you really should discuss with your BF. January 20, 2012, 10:58 am. They just enjoy your and your boyfriends company and would be happy, it sounds like, if you never left. But if its just sit on the couch at our place or theirsthats no big to me? Trust me, I like to avoid problems just like the next person, but I think theres a difference between letting things slide and not being confrontational and willfully blinding yourself to the reality of your relationship. One thing you can try before just accepting things as they are or moving on already is to start scheduling activities and day trips on the weekends that your boyfriend is home. I agree that some things should be discussed in more detail,for example, who pays what bill. Heck, some people are just like that. But, guilting someone is wrong and there is a little of that going on here. allathian Do you both work very long hours or something that he cant muster up enthusiasm to do fun things with you? Not needing to have such a sterile conversation because youve given enough time to learn that about each other naturally and observe how the other person lives? I dont understand why were in a relationship if he rather stay at his parents instead and not trying to build a life with me. Parents are supposed to prepare their kids for the real world, the best that they can. And I bet your boyfriend will come home a bit sooner if you do! I married an apron-strings boy like that. I think like Wendy said its perfectly fine to let him know you would prefer to have time in your own house on the weekends. If he did this every single night, though, I would not be so supportive, to say the least. I consider myself to have a pretty close relationship with my own family, but they live in another state, and I really dont require seeing them more than once every 6 weeks or even being in touch more than every couple of days. I think the issue is that you just need to communicate. If you can be open minded, its very easy to compare this way of life to a cult truly. From that, I can either follow blindly and accept whatever consequences arise form our different spending styles, or, if it is a deal breaker for me, I move. That is not the way that I would ever want it to be. January 20, 2012, 11:45 am. If one or a few things are particularly very important to you, then those will most likely be discussed just because. But the way you spend your money, in my opinion, shouldnt change. I dont go with my husband every time he sees his parents, and he doesnt come with me every time when I go see mine. I just truly think this stuff is common sense, which is why it is so baffling to me. Once upon a time when you were little, mom and dad did know more than youbut entering adulthood is when you yourself should be acquiring knowledge just as your parents did. Thats on you. It may not be romantic, but its incredibly smart to make sure you have all of your bases covered before taking that kind of step. But I wouldnt go as far to say he is emotionally dependent and his family is dysfunctional. So LW, if you dont like it, I think you should MOA. Im also close to my family, however, I never make my boyfriend feel left out and I always make him feel that he is the priority. Your husband loves to drink it with his dad while discussing sports. But he also has to understand thathis number one family is you when he gets married. June 18, 2014, 12:38 pm. On top of that, he got sisters who also constantly texts him and hangs out with them a lot as well. There is a very natural way to spark further conversation on this topic and perhaps get beyond the impasse. June 18, 2014, 12:55 pm. ForeverYoung If that doesnt work if he wont set aside some time for the two of you, or if you need more distance from his family than hes willing or able to manage, then Im afraid its MOA time. If its true that you miss your family and that hanging with his makes you homesick for your own, acknowledge that and own those feelings. barf. To use my own example, my mom lives alone, she is not the most sociable person, so I go and see her for a couple of hours almost every weekend, while my BF does his own thing, whatever that may be. Maybe he just needs to be broken out of his pattern. Ooo, I might try that out this summer, that looks fun! ?? . Relationship time without your family is really important to me and I hope we can work in implementing a date day/night where it is just us.; your other option if he still doesnt agree to this or guilts you, is ending the relationship, because this is not going to change. But since shes there all the time, he might feel like hes catching up with his family. I really do not think that there is any set amount of time a couple should be dating or know each other before moving to the next stage of the relationship. allathian But come on, man! But yeah, having a partner whos very close to their family is not for everyone. They clearly have poor communication if she states her feelings and he minimizes and ignores them. Do you guys never visit/spend time with them? Its entirely possible that the boyfriend is happy with the status quo, and if spending more time with his girlfriend means spending less time with his parents, hell choose the parents over the girlfriend. I guess then that depends on the LWs definition of a routine of spending significant amounts of time at their house nearly every weekend. June 18, 2014, 9:23 am. You want to avoid jumping to conclusions and coming off as the bad guy. His lack of action in making his partner a top priority in his life because he prefers spending time with his parents is abnormal. Yeah, although all for non-pandemic times. allathian And obviously, Im also someone who is really close with family. AKchic I dont know that I would use the word dysfunctional, but I do think that the parents and the son are a bit clingy. LW I would advise you not to make it seem like you are asking your boyfriend to choose either you or his family. Maybe explain to him that you would like to keep some variety in how you spend your free time with each other. Im super indepedent though, and I coudlnt imagine spending all of my free time with one person. But are they really guilting the boyfriend? June 18, 2014, 10:47 am. i mean yeah there are certain things that happen naturally but there are certain things you have to have a conversation about. He even startedtalking badly about your family, and you feel he wants to distance you from them. Not only is it a long commute to my boyfriends familys place, but its also starting to get expensive paying for the commuter train both ways (we split expenses pretty evenly even though I make significantly less). Besides, the whole point of living in NYC is so you dont have to rely on Metro North to get int to the city on the weekends amirite!? Over time, the wife found living so close to her in-laws stifling, contributing to the divorce. June 18, 2014, 12:32 pm. In being present in any matters their adult children bring to them, they reassert their power and superior knowledge. Summer and fall is half the year. But what Im truly wondering is if this difference in opinion over how to spend the weekends is reflective of other big differences between you two that you didnt have time to learn before you moved in together. It sounds like you and your bf just have different thoughts about how often to see family, and you need to talk it out and come to a compromise. If it is that then work out a way so you can spend most nights together whether at yours or theirs. You know I was in a similar situation once, my ex and his parents like to see each other a lot more than I liked to see them. i think the dysfunction wouldnt come from just the time spent, like the literal hours, i think the dysfunction would come from the things surrounding the time spent- the guilt, ect. If you dont say anything, how in the hell is he supposed to know anything is wrong? January 20, 2012, 10:09 am. At first I thought it was sweet that he spent so much time with his folks (my mom died when I was 7 and my dads parental rights were terminated by the state, so I had no idea how families worked). lets_be_honest And you are right, regardless of anything, if she has a problem with it, he should be able to find a compromise that makes everyone happy. All Im saying is, neither ways are wrong. I love my city, but I also love my home (for clarification, I am referring to my apartment I dont live with or near my parents). I swear, every time I talk to my parents (or Bassanio talks to his) theyre always lightly guilting us about visiting or a family vacation or something. The money thing should definitely be discussed too I mean when youre looking for apartments how does this not come up? Explore a new neighborhood or close-by town? ReginaRey You have the option of talking to him about it-without that context (this is weird, grow up), and from the place where your needs are not being metaka Honey, it would mean a lot if instead of both Friday and Saturdays you are home, spending all day with your family, we set aside a block of one of those days for just us time. One thing is for sure, he comes home to you at the end of the weekend, even more tired than he left. They never left the apartment unless they had to for school more or less, and they always came straight home. Long story short even though we saw each other almost every weekend for 4.5 straight years, not once did he agree to this. Go to a zoo! Because the simple fact that you are moving in together means things will not just continue as they are. January 20, 2012, 11:43 am. I had to learn that people mean different things by it. 2. But Im a very direct, honest, forthright, loud kind of person. You say We have a great relationship and I dont want this issue to grow into such a large issue that I cant handle it anymore one day. Lindsay Dear Demetria: Im a newlywed. If your hubby is young and just recently married he may also be feeling insecure and needing his bros to lean on. No one said they cant, just that they like to see each other on weekends. Do people really just walk around with their heads in the sand all day? FireStar Then you may just be spending too much time together. November 29, 2019, 5:49 pm, Angelique ReginaRey Maybe this difference will be easily resolved, and youll be together forever! Other things (chores etc) can be discussed as you go along. 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