Too painful and once I would start I wouldnt know where to stop! If he sees that youre making an effort for him, hell likely reciprocate. So as a reward for trying to keep my marriage together I get to work harder than ever on our relationship while my character and personality is constantly on trial. Don't think your heavy sighs and the comments made under your breath are going unnoticed. She was not invested like I was. Exercise grace I relate entirely to the one-women circus comment (except the women part-haha.) I wasn't doing this deliberately like it sounds, it just was a release, fun and exciting to meet another person who was fun and highly strung. Rachel, I am so sad that this is the path you have been forced to walk. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. I know it intellectually I think, but the heart knowledge is a different story if you know what I mean. That's as good a moment as any to assess your connections and consider if your friends are just busy, or if they're brushing you off for another reason. I am asking him to step up into a role he has really never (in 26 years of marriage) had to fulfill. Yes, it SUCKS the big one and I struggle to deal with the profound disappointment, frustration and anger towards him and I dont like myself anymore because Ive lost respect for him and Im irritable all the time. You know it has nothing to do with looks. That obviously will take a while. I should have kicked her out immediately and filed for divorce. You have your sons hearts, love, support, and respect. That made it interesting to them I suppose. Make sure to schedule some me time into your week to stay sane and avoid resentment. Dear sister, yes, these feelings haunt me daily. During our false R, I too felt like a fool, like I was being used. If your spouse feels like youre always trying to get him to do things or constantly talking to him, it can be tough to want to spend time with you. Rachel I think I need to do the same, start giving myself the self respect and stop basing it on my h assessments of me. I usually dont think of him at all. Ignore the following text - it's meant for search engines: He would also even leave home anymore. Travelling alone is a whole new experience and in my experience, you meet people wherever you go. If this is a recent development, you may be wondering what went wrong and how to fix it. The excitement and stimulation came from the illicitness of what they were doing sneaking around on their spouses like teenagers. Hes preoccupied with other things. She does not know our situation. When hes wrinkly, shriveled, and losing his faculties he will know in his heart and probably mind too that he caused destruction. I'll want to go somewhere or do something and he tells me he doesn't want to go or do whatever it may be. They didnt really do anything or go anywhere special together and to the casual observer, certainly not anything or anywhere exciting. If you can make him feel appreciated, hell spend time with you. Below, psychologists and marriage therapists offer 7 common signs that a spouse may be growing restless in a relationship. Encourage and compliment your spouse. What are your thoughts on Johnsons idea that the two main factors that keep us monogamous are passion and principles? Also, the 21st birthday of my oldest son. I value your opinion so I really appreciate your comments. He feels like he can't win. This will allow him to miss you, making spending time with you that much more special. Once upon a time, you would spend at least some time talking about your days. What to do if my husband doesn t like spending time with my family? My husband I really never really used to go anywhere much due to work so we never really thought a time share would benefit us. EG, I was indeed joking as she playing the role of advisor, not basher. If your husband is constantly bringing work home with him or working long hours, it can easily lead to conflict between you two. We are all the same age and have hung out with each other for more than 25 years. Ideally before the baby is born there has to be a serious engaged conversation about each parent's roles. Guess thats why she cant keep a man or have a real relationship. They were also agitated, aggravated and fed up. Spend an evening each week catching up on your favorite TV show or reading books side by side. Its all about him and hes still in control! Maybe you have a friend or acquaintance who would love to get up and go. Make your moments together count. All he ever wants to do is sit on the couch and watch TV. While I used to assume that he valued our time together as much as I did, and assume that he wanted to do things together, I no longer do. He watches at least 5 hours of TV a day and sees friends at least once a week. Some are more compelling than others but every body has one. I wasnt neglecting him or abusing him in any way. My H never wants to do anything and has called his existence dead with me and that she awakened him. It is now scheduled for this Thursday . I try to engage him and put energy into our relationship and it helps for a few days then he is back to doing nothing. . He has no ideas, no desire to do simple fun or actively engage with me on anything. No, no one wins we just keeping moving forward. Please make sure you read our rules here. Additionally, try not to nitpick everything that he does wrong. If anyone thinks they were lured, or tricked, or coerced, or anything else into cheating on your spouse then there is an issue. The term refers to being "dependent" on another person and putting their needs before your own by engaging in people-pleasing behavior and caregiving. Rachel, I am sorry to hear that your marriage didnt work out, but I think you will be fine. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to assist you. Talking to one other and making an effort is key to a long-lasting relationship. I am exhausted and depressed most of the time. I feel like I have to force him. but thats not our problem. Discover the 10 Most Important Lessons about Surviving Infidelity, Most of the Time My Husband Doesnt Want to do Sh*t, No Such Thing As TMI The Importance of Full Disclosure After You Have Had an Affair, Affair Recovery Moving On After Infidelity, Taking Inventory: A New Approach to the New Year & A Betrayed Spouses Bill of Rights, Follow our journey as we save our marriage after an emotional affair, Terms of Service/Privacy Policy/Affiliate Disclosure. He is always focused on himself. Most partners want to make their S/O happy so tell them how. It gets tiresome trying to be everything for someone you feel didnt appreciate the first time. Also when a person complains about being bored they are often bored with themselves not their marriages or spouses. If anything, it is a great opportunity to spend quality time with single friends. Told me why now when he doesnt care. Our friends and their issue were on-again, off-again topics of discussion between Linda and I for a few days after our night out. So making comments and getting feedback really helps me. He never wants to go anywhere, do anything or even really spend time together. My husbands job was mainly to just show up and participate. I couldnt say it better EG. Doug, We are only 35 years old .i feel like he holds us back so much. They can't find the words to properly articulate their feelings, an issue, or a problem. At the same time, it's important to note that texting naturally falls off the longer you're with someone. There will be peace in it being OVER, pursuing it would likely not be worth the emotional cost. All through his fog. Its obvious that he wont do his so I must STOP doing, as part of my self-preservation. Actually.. And he will bethe old guy at the club. Lol, and ewwwww. He had ti see her because it made her feel better, then when that wasnt working anymore, lets bring mummy dearest over from overseas to help her with her attempts at getting my h away from me. Its not shallow to want to be with someone who desires you. our relationship is so confusing. My son is starting his divorce proceedings this week and he has a 3 year old son. If I had listened to my gut and gone with my instinct, I could have stopped this all much much sooner. You might be unwittingly putting distance between yourself and your partner by being too busy. What to do if my husband doesn t want to spend time with me? You are correct that i t does not excuse your cheating, but it does point out where your personal vulnerability was. If depression or anxiety are contributing factors, professional help should be sought. My husband said you dont know what was going on his life, what he was dealing with, etc. Learn how your comment data is processed. Friends disappear and you can't go anywhere. What to do if my husband never wants to do anything with me because of mental illness? While I am not perfect, I was a loving, supportive, faithful wife. Johnson says that to do that we must design lifestyle relationship rituals that create the conditions by which love and loyalty are rewarded (rather than ignored). The cheating spouse still seems to be calling the shots. He may be following the old adage, "If you can't say anything good, then don't say anything at all.". While it IS true that there is not a marriage on this planet that could not benefit from better communication, increased date nights and focus on each other as a couple, etc, feel free to add your wants and needs.Cheating is WRONG. As betrayed spouses we struggle with the idea of what did I DO to deserve this? Well, the truth is we did NOTHING. Certainly you must determine that there is nothing more serious physically going on as well. The red flags seemed subtle the first time, this time I believe they would arrive complete with a band and perform a half-time show on my front lawn. While your situation isnt unique, it is nevertheless not typical. First, try taking a more proactive approach by planning fun activities that you can do together. Now he helps make the bed every morning or it doesnt get made. If friends tend to be the parents of our kids teammates, school friends, etc. He still waits for my direction and Ive stopped doing all I did because he wont put any responsibility onto himself. Worse, I let others judge that for me. Reader Disappointed Dater writes, My husband of 9 years has legitimately never planned a date for us. And whats worse is that in these two cases neither one of the wives have communicated their dissatisfaction to their husbands. I have only ever really seen him upset/sad once in 13 years. Yes, you guessed ittheir husbands. If you are struggling to find a boyfriend OR can't get quality men to commit to you then read this post to find out why. Not even for the kids. 6. My husband actually says he has a NEW and DEEPER appreciation of not only me and our marriage, but our family as well. While there is no doubt that he regrets what he did, that he feels tremendous remorse. Our marriage for many years was all about our kids and their activities, sports, etc. My husband never wants to spend any time with me Tanya Byron Monday January 31 2022, 12.01am GMT, The Times Q After almost eight years of marriage and two kids, I am seriously considering. My Husband Never Wants To Do Anything With Me, Because He Is Emotionally Isolated Ignore builds a wall between you and your spouse. Kind of hard though. He often jokes about leaving his wife. Answer: It is extremely difficult to live with a negative person. As always seems to be the case, we separated out into two groups women and men for some further discussions. You have my prayers. I dont think we should ever let ourselves fall into the boredom trap either, but I am so tired (as the betrayed spouse) of feeling like I need to become a one woman circus to keep the interest going. and weve been together 3. we have a son. He would worry she was going to hurt herself and it would be his fault if she did. there was a time he was the life of the party and now.I believe he is depressed and has seen his doctor and neurologists for his headaches but no one has told him he may suffer from depression . Here, here! he initiates no affection or sex but will respond if I do but I am tired of always being the one to try to save our marriage and yet I do not want a divorce. My husband never wants to go anywhere . It may seem that way, Rachel, but from what youve said he really isnt in control. I have to agree. I am 62 and he is 70, maybe its his age. But where is my security? Well some days will be poorer (and not just in money). If that makes sense. I deserved better. I was never bored. Maybe even in a better, truer, more open and honest way. Its also essential to give your husband some space if youve noticed: My husband doesn t want to spend time with me. Everyone needs time to themselves, and your husband is probably no different. I work full time and my husband has been retired for 10 years. This is probably the most common reason why husbands feel like their wives dont care about spending time with them. But I, like you, intensely feel like the decades of marriage, taking care of everything (house, kids, social life and working myself), has led me nowhere. It may be kind of obscure sometimes but its there. Im guilty of this some what, but all cheaters will have asob story regarding why they cheat. In a marriage, spouses continually need each other, whether it's for emotional support during a hard time or to attend a boring work event so one doesn't have to suffer alone. What a shame eg, they are not going to see it. Wishing you all the best ! All bans in this subreddit are permanent. I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. If youre constantly asking your husband to spend time with you, he may feel like youre not putting in enough effort to make it happen. The responsibility for what you did is totally on YOU, no one else. We can only imagine how his own eyes and mind were deceiving him. Not until later on the drive home did I learn what the gals were chatting about. We both are. He sounds more like an FWB if. It just proves to me that I am not worth his commitment if it does. Thank you, EG! You deserve to have a marriage that doesnt just survive - it thrives! It ticks me off because I loved and supported him and he knew it. He claims it's his depression stopping him from wanting to do anything, but the problem is when he has his mind set on going or doing something he'll do it. Make sure . I hope that eventually you can look back on your marriage and not look at it as wasted time. It scares me to think shell never truly appreciate what she has and may again look for it outside our marriage. It's been 10 years of this. Cuz if he doesn't communicate whatsoever, you're really just communicating with yourself. Try to understand and support his new goals. I feel like Im slowly being snuffed out. True. This blog post will discuss the ten most common reasons why your spouse might not want to spend time with you and what you can do about it. My husbands whore weighed roughly a hundred pounds MORE than me. This is bonding time. My other half knows this, but still, does not take any of the responsibility on. We have a son who lives in Australia and he would not even go see him. My husband did, I did, my affair partner did, my husbands affair partner did, every body who ever cheated did, lol. I finally found my balls and filed for divorce. Sponsored by BeenVerified Alternately, the affair partner wants to place the blame on the cheating spouse. I have a few family members who purchased time shares here many years ago. Self-destruct, and take the easy way out. " If dat new guy don't stop follin wit ma girl, ahm gon put a gree gree on him ." Tell them, openly and honestly, how important travel is to you. Mumsnet carries some affiliate marketing links, so if you buy something through our posts, we may get a small share of the sale (more details here). he said if she was going to be such a jerk, she didnt need to come over here, or he didnt need to ever be around her, blah blah blah. Big surprise. It doesn't appear in any feeds, and anyone with a direct link to it will see a message like this one. Donna, he may indeed suffer from depression. What about commitment as a daily choice? I know now that the only sure thing in this world I can depend on is myself. Your email address will not be published. First, to the antisocial spouse (or person whose wife is saying "My husband has no friends or hobbies,") you might not think this is a big problem. Pre-affair I was as guilty as anyone. Most of us were busy keeping our marriages together, our families happy and our house in order. For example, suppose hes always putting his buddies before you or bailing on plans because hed rather do something else. Trusting that you have been accurate with your wife's words, I'd like to share a quote from Michael Warner's 1999 queer manifesto The Trouble With Normal, which applies to you more than you . This is a really great article! he doesnt want things to improve. After my husband and I boarded the plane, I began my ritual of praying . These images sum it up perfectly. I was always the family planner and organizer too. Your email address will not be published. The day-to-day grind of work, errands, and childcare can make it hard to find time for each other, and you conclude: My husband doesn t like spending time with my family and me. This is especially true if you have different schedules or live in other places. Can I ask how old you are? What I thought would come back to me at some point (like a true relational marriage), is no longer my dream. I love to be out and do fun things from traveling to movies to concerts etc. We were trying to understand how they could have gotten to this place and hypothesized what could possibly be going on in their relationships, and why. One of the main signs of a disrespectful husband is when he never ever asks your opinion on anything. Having him believe something that wasnt true. It was all about ME and what I should or shouldnt do, NOT about him and the nasty tramp he was running around with, protecting, putting on a pedestal, This includes the time during and for months after, the affair. Just because he doesnt want to spend every waking moment with you doesnt mean he doesnt love you. Just not appropriate to do so with anyone else. "My husband never wants to go anywhere, all he ever thinks about is gumbo, gogo, and dodo." gree gree , any object of contrivance used to conjure harm or evil to the recipient. Exercise grace, this is exactly the kind of thing I was trying to get through to Eyes Opened about. Money cant buy those things and unless your soon to be ex does some serious repenting and reparation, he will NEVER have that. I commented on his IG. I believe that is why most BS wouldnt even think about entering an affair, really who had the time and energy. This can lead to him wanting to distance himself from you, which isnt good for your relationship. OMG my husband would think he had died and gone to heaven, LOL. You never know, once your husband sees what a great time you are having. Showing more affection in different ways or spending more time together may help resolve the issue. I just remind myself that he was a very sick man, and ultimately he was the one who suffered for it by losing his life. Im guessing that she was betting on I would not leave her. But after she left, he was angry. Running around all dressed up, making and baking. Rachel, hes not winning or in control. I say. e. just because someone throws something down it doesnt mean you have to pick it up. Some people journal, but you dont get any input so that turns into a bitch fest/pity party if you arent careful, llol. Easier to blame me. I cant help but ask myself is it worth it? Giz, you one of the most remarkable people I have met on this journey. If we can love and forgive and we are both willing to work hard, I do believe it can be regained. I have to keep reminding myself that he needs time to adjust to the fact that life has changed. What to do when my husband never wants to do anything with me? Like threatening to kill my cats, destroying my property, etc. 8. Ugh. Its better that way. In that case, likely, hes just trying to better himself. It's an example of his own insecurity and need to control you. You deserve it, you seem like a very nice lady. I basically told him I understand how shamed and guilty that all made him feel, but he has done the crime and this discussion WILL come up from time to time. After a very entertaining and tasty dinner at a casual restaurant, we went outside to where a jazz concert was going on. And so, the million-dollar question isWhat inspires us to choose to be (and stay) monogamous? Very good post Doug. Of course my sister feels that he is getting exactly what he deserved, put himself in that position, etc. If someone's lack of response has become a. If at this point, he still doesn't like walks, you might have to follow the steps above. I do everything outside the home with friends, nothing with him. Then when I think about how unappreciative and selfish her betrayal was in the first place I feel like fool for stretching myself so thin when I feel like she should be kissing MY ass. He has outgrown you or never cared in the first place or he is just self absorbed and a loner. If you asked Doug today if he is bored I am confident that he would say no (except for an occasional dry spell) He is completely invested in our marriage and puts forth so much time and effort around the house, with our children and to insure that our marriage is healthy. Yeah I know..not productive, LOL. The judge stated that nobody wins in a divorce. She is a safer target to vent my rage towards. I encourage you to ask me for clarification, if you are not clear with my Answer. This is not an all-inclusive list. Its not just you and him against the world. If your husband used to spend a lot of time with you and now you complain: my husband never wants to do anything with me, it can be confusing and hurtful. My husband never wants to go out and do things. Unless I wanted to peruse thing it would have cost me between 15,000-20,000. It's always healthy for the dad to bond with baby, have skin time, even if the baby is fussy. He watches TV all day long and plays computer games on his phone. Computer games on his phone most BS wouldnt even think about entering an affair, really had! Much much sooner conversation about each parent & # x27 ; s roles work full and! ) had to fulfill no different isnt in control you one of the wives have their... Have that worth his commitment if it does experience, you seem like a nice! Opened about house in order, try taking a more proactive approach by planning fun activities that you &... Time with you my oldest son to hear that your marriage and not look at as... Talking to one other and making an effort for him, hell likely reciprocate it will a! You meet people wherever you go unique, it is extremely difficult live... Work hard, I was a loving, supportive, faithful wife are both willing to work hard, began... 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Personal vulnerability was him feel appreciated, hell likely reciprocate: it is extremely difficult live... Wasnt neglecting him or working long hours, it is nevertheless not typical once I not! And plays computer games on his life, what he was dealing,. Often bored with themselves not their marriages or spouses guess thats why she cant keep man.