Six years ago I discovered my husband of 30 years fits the criteria for AS. Focus on them and what theyre saying vs. thinking of your response. I hoped that it would work (but probably for selfish reasons). Aspergers men and difficulties in relationships Within a society that holds different social expectations for men and women in marriage, the dynamics within each partnership would have its own individual presentation. The brain of a person with this neurological problem works differently than someone without it, especially how it processes language and social cues. I find life is often lonely and stressful. The marriage never really started and there was never any home life. Please check your entries and try again. However, would you feel guilty separating yourself for your own safety and sanity? However, work can almost become a fixation that the ASD partner will often get hyper-focused on to the exclusion of their marriage or relationship. He was the only counselor who discerned what was really going on in my first marriage, by prayer, wisdom, and a dream. Forms of support can be a group of other spouses, individual counseling or couples counseling. If this is how you feel, then it may be time to consider leaving your husband. That's why I wrote an answer to: How do you handle weirdos? Having a therapist who specializes in offering support to couples where a spouse has an Aspergers diagnosis, who is also grounded makes the difference of how the strengths that already exist are built upon and the challenges worked through in a structured and concrete way. If things have escalated to the point that professional help is sought, doing your homework to. Another negative effect is that our relationship can be one-sided at times. I'm in a situation where I feel at a complete loss as to what I should do. His brain speaks a different language than an NT (Neuro-typical) persons brain does. Linda, please please please listen to me as a clinician. But if you're not interested in being with him or supportin him in any way then remove yourself from the situation as civilly as possible. Working on marriage takes time, effort, and patience. The damage feels the same, the PTSD diagnosis is still PTSD. Many people with Aspergers are extremely honest and literal. Some people with Aspergers syndrome manage to forge successful relationships despite their condition. Consider their perspective and their . There can be many reasons why my husband may have Aspergers. I am very fearful of how incapable of caring for the children he is. This can be anything from trains or computers to history or sports statistics. Couples Therapy: Whats the Difference? It did not change because the damage came from an Aspergers man. This book specifically addresses the touchy issues of sex, rage, divorce and shame and gives a glimpse of the "inner workings" of these relationships. Persons with AS/ASD are good at masking their disability by role playing and copying other's behavior. This can be difficult to do sometimes since I know that while there are support groups for ASD or Aspergers, they tend to lean more towards men who have the disorder while leaving out their partners who also need help navigating through this world with someone diagnosed on the spectrum. I don't mean to say. My husband has Aspergers means that the male spouse in the relationship may be having a neurological disorder that is categorized within the autism spectrum. His response: Oh dont worry I wont talk long. We have been together for 20 years, having met in our late 20s, and have four children - two boys and two girls. Your husband has a disorder that basically caused him to be unable to socialize and mature at the same rate as his peers growing up. They may also have trouble understanding and maintaining eye contact, which can make conversation very difficult. The social interaction aspects of Aspergers syndrome are unique. Our first counselor completely missed it and told me my needs are too great and I need to adjust them (trust me they arent or I never would have made it this long). No matter what decision you make, its important to do whats best for you. 1. Dont Be Defensive Admit Youre Wrong. Many people with Aspergers Syndrome want to have close, intimate relationships but may have trouble with social skills and communication. Reviewed by Ekua Hagan. And all this whatever it is without the reason WHY. However, when the Aspergers partner focuses on improving certain traits, the marriage is able to often come back from a crisis or even divorce. My youngest is now 21. Years and years of dealing with something is not right and learning and further research of Aspergers, it all makes sense. Using the following communication skills can help: Due to the ASD neurological difference, many individuals on the spectrum, have trouble regulating their emotions. This can be difficult, but it is important to try to understand your husbands perspective. In another example, lets say your husband is diagnosed with a brain tumor that causes him to become paranoid and dangerous, wielding a knife around the house. Leslie I appreciate your very sensitive description of AS (Aspergers Syndrome) plus what the person will do with it. He was so frustrated. It is important to communicate openly and honestly with your partner if you feel like they are being too selfish. All though I will admit he worked from home most evenings. The challenges faced by parents of teenagers with developmental disabilities are far more difficult than those faced by average teenagers. Many people who discover that their spouse is on the Autism spectrum feel disappointed and deprived of a fully functioning partner. Your Asperger husband wants to meet your needs and make you happy, but needs the tools to do so. Praise God for that. This happens because my husband does not always understand how to show his love or affection for me in a way that I understand. If the expression of your feelings has not been shared it is wise to do so in a compassionate supportive environment where you can experience the reciprocity and connection of your emotions. If things have escalated to the point that professional help is sought, doing your homework to find the right therapist is important. He doesnt know how to maintain friendships and the behavior and conflict between us has escalated. And work through the emotions you are currently experiencing. Whats Biblical to one set of people may be totally unbibilcal to another set of sincere believers. A huge help is having my own counselor, skilled in AS and trauma. Whatever he was capable of then, he would be capable of now, right? Walking in CORE Strength Registration Now Open. This is an era of transition for adults with Asperger's Syndrome (AS) and their spouses. People with Aspergers still want connection in their lives and in their Aspergers marriage. Some of these are: The environment in which you are raised can have a big impact on the kind of person that you become. In such a situation, the ASD partner might remind themselves of the following: Many ASD individuals are known to have an elephants memory and therefore they may remember every little disagreement or conflict that happens between their partner and them. I wonder how many of those beautiful moments we miss because were looking backwards or forwards with anxiety or regret? Otherwise, being on the Spectrum for Autism or not, the marriage will not thrive. Living with Aspergers spouse without the space to disclose the lived dynamics and connect with other spouses with similar experiences, it can often feel like the experience of thwarted love. Connections that validate the lived experience means that both parties have to be willing to find ways to support each other. I do not know if there is a way out of this mess for me? ?) An empathetic ear in counseling helps keep me grounded in reality. However, over time, understanding their needs has become second nature to me which gives me patience when communicating his wants and needs in social situations. Ive been practicing living more in the moment lately and I have to tell you its freeing. Asperger's syndrome is a form of autism that can impact social interaction, communication, and cause repetitive behaviors. Leslie, I was presented an option by our counselor to leave the marriage due to an intellectually locked heart, temporal values, among other issues, or stay practicing forbearance. Would you feel guilty if you were sick with cancer and needed to have your own treatment? I have worked with women who have chosen to leave without guilt and those who have chosen to stay without resentment. This can make it difficult for them to form and maintain relationships. Say less, comment less. Applying the Bare-Minimum Monday Philosophy to Relationships, Mass Shooters and the Myth That Evil Is Obvious, Transforming Empathy Into Compassion: Why It Matters, The Third Party That Every Marriage Needs, Co-Parenting Tips If You Have Asperger's/Autism, 13 Signs Your Marriage May Be Over and 7 Things to Do Next, "For Better, for Worse": Marriage and Flourishing. It's like trying to squeeze the contents of a book into a paragraph. He let me know he was only attracted to short blond and young women. Its so complicated and hard, and there arent many counselors out there who get it. I knew there was going to be challenges between us, but wanted to get married regardless (thats a whole other story, on which I am currently working). Practice mindful meditation morning and evening for 20 minutes to create a broader "mental bandwidth" and get into the habit of deep breathing in a tense moment. I have a spa pillow cushioning my head and back and I could choose to simply enjoy this moment. Thank you. Every spouse and marriage will be unique. I do feel guilty looking out for myself, especially since I did commit to this marriage, no matter how hesitant I was (as I am so often reminded). We could not be more poorly paired. Its called, by David Finch. | These resources can provide you with immediate help. What should I do? A diagnosis such as Cassandra syndrome recognizes the trauma these wives feel from knowing that no one would believe them because the AS functions so well at work. The higher the stakes you place on the people around you, the more likely you are to feel let down at some point, even if they have not done anything wrong. First, before I answer your question let me give a disclaimer that I am not an expert on Aspergers or Autism Spectrum disorder as its better defined these days. Maybe there's something wrong with me," she said. He is highly intelligent, holds a Ph.D., has held admirable employment and in many ways is shockingly gifted. He also doesnt always understand when someone is mad or upset. It is possible to have assistance from your partner as well. I read the article My husband is on the spectrum. One sign of Aspergers is having a rigid thinking pattern. Please imagine a beautiful house built from bricks that have crumbled over 48 years, brick by brick, and now there is very little left. If the relationship has not come to the point that you feel thatliving with Aspergers spouse is impossible then there is help available. Here is what you need to know when living with Aspergers spouse- Your husband may become so engrossed in his interests that he has trouble carrying on a conversation about anything else. I can talk with him about it. I understand you completely. Thats why there is a need for a specific diagnosis for someone married to an AS. If you are unhappy in your marriage, then it is time to take action and end the relationship. I often give the analogy of taking out the garbage, which simply means that just the way we empty the trash from our kitchens and homes on a daily basis, the same way, we need to take out the negative thoughts, upsets, disagreements, sometimes even fights and irritations from our minds on a daily basis and let it go for good. This condition impacts how a person perceives and interacts with their environment, affecting all areas of life from socializing to working. I cant do or fix anything about what Im worrying about. You are partly depressed due to your lack of foundational support you receive. Adults have different attachment needs informed from their adaptations from childhood. "We have been married for 20 years. Autistic parents may have strong relationships with their children. Having said that, Mantra Care professionals are always here to help you. its easy to find excuses or pretend that ASD can be controlled, but ASD is a real condition. Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) is a neuro developmental disorder that can cause a variety of problems in life. The parts about if someone were diagnosed with such and such but was truly wanting to work on the marriage then they would essentially show itand the examples involving removing ones self from a toxic situation that was making one feel crazy. Your materials first gave me permission to see that Ive been in a destructive (although sometimes unintentionally destructive) marriage. He struggles a LOT with having close relationships, because of the social difficulties you mentioned. Speaking to a professional can be very helpful when you are trying to leave your Aspergers husband. You need a lot of patience, love, and care. After completing an onlin. My sister is in bad health and broke. Id encourage you to look for some videos by Dr. Stephanie Homes (www.counselorstephanieholmes.com) I just did an interview with her and she specializes in working with people who are on the autism spectrum and also helping their spouses understand the impact and what to do. My husband isnt one who likes talking very much but he has learned some things through practice since weve been married so I guess you could say its getting better over time as long as nothing gets awkward where he feels uncomfortable enough not to talk at all. This means it can be difficult to change these routine changes because they have become so ingrained in them. However, its important to invest in building self-awareness through therapy, reading books on autism/Aspergers, relationships, depression, anxiety, OCD, addictions, etc to understand what drives your thoughts, feelings, and behavior. She enhances her clinical skills with respectful curiosity and non-judgement exploring strengths and resilience to gain access to inner wisdom we possess inside. A while back a book came out written by a husband who was diagnosed with Aspergers who wanted to do all he could do to win his wife back. He's a good man. As a couples counselor and author working with couples where one (or both) partners have a diagnosis or suspected diagnosis of Asperger's or Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), Ive found that there are certain ASD traits that often make a relationship challenging. As a wise friend once said to me: "Eva, if we're not improving, we're regressing!". While its true that people with Aspergers often have difficulty changing their behavior, its not impossible. This can be difficult at times too since these types of disorders tend to have a very serious tone attached to them especially when it comes time for diagnosis and treatment, but I believe that you should always try your best in life no matter what struggles you face along the way because laughter will get you through just about anything. feeling lonely and unsafe within the marriage. We all have expectations of our values as an individual and part of the union of marriage. There is no reasoning with these men, dont get tangled up with trying to get them to see a different opinion, they never will. Aspergers is a disorder that can have a lot of negative effects. We both must make some significant changes in our understanding and expectations. Many people with Asperger's syndrome have a hard time reading social cues, which can make it difficult to know when your husband is interested in you or not. Why Are So Many Indian Arranged Marriages Successful? Im rand new to reali,ing that my husband may have aspergers. Admit faulty perceptions; be humble. Due to the unique challenges that Asperger syndrome presents, many people with it are unable to form meaningful relationships. What encouragement can you give this woman whether she says or leaves? Obsessive Interests It is not uncommon for people with Aspergers to fixate on one or two particular subjects. I knew he had problems but choose to stay with him. He then becomes a student, so he can learn what he can do to minimize that painful impact, even if he will never be cured or able to see exactly what she means or feels. The decision to leave someone, regardless of the circumstances, rests on expectations about what leaving will do to you and/or your partner. I became fearful and in despair of how incapable he was of caring for me, he cannot care for my needs, he ignores and neglects me, gaslights me, puts me in awkward situations. One negative effect is that I can feel overwhelmed at times. When you decide to leave an Aspergers husband, it is important to have a solid plan in place. Understanding his way of thinking here is not a problem of his Aspergers, it's a problem of him being an asshole and you being way too nice a person for him. 6 . Ill be speaking 7 different times, some on panels, but I will need. Other tensions within a marriage such as finances and children can add other layers of stress on top ofliving with Aspergers spouse. No response. If the expression of your feelings has not been shared it is wise to do so in a compassionate supportive environment where you can experience the reciprocity and connection of your emotions. I dont know the future. Therefore, its important for you to remember that all successful long-term marriages take hard work. I knew that as soon as the pursuit stopped and other behaviors or lack thereof appeared. I am a RN in a pandemic. I have been married to an Asperger man for 34 years and cannot go on another day without searching for HELP! Other options like leaving with guilt or staying with resentment do no one good nor do they honor God. Thank you. He loves them, but cannot take care of their needs. If youre not willing to put in the work, it may be best to leave. The Cassandra Phenomenon is a definite. Maybe it's me. They can contradict what their partner is saying or criticize them without fully thinking the matter through. Due to the volume of questions we receive, we cannot answer every one. Some Aspergers, on the other hand, are able to form long-term relationships. Living with Aspergers spouse takes a lot of compromise on the part of their partner. If you are about to embark on a marriage to someone who has Aspergers (high and the NT partner can encourage her Aspie by praising him for these. Lastly, one of the biggest challenges faced by those who have Aspergers is the lack of awareness and support from society. A bus driver with Asperger's Syndrome who was called an 'illiterate imbecile' and 'sp****' by work colleagues has won a 30,000 payout. An AS partner may not only lack basic relationship skills/abilities. This can be due to the fact that he may not understand what he needs, or he may feel too overwhelmed or embarrassed to ask for help. In order to understand why your husband behaves the way he does, you need to educate yourself about Aspergers Syndrome. That compounded the damage. Finally, it is important to be a good listener. You will be able to teach your husband social behavior that is less awkward and rude because he functions at a high level of cognitive ability. It doesnt mean they dont want me to work. For a moment, lets put it into a different category. When a partner has Aspergers also known as High Functioning Autism this can present with invisible dynamics within the relationship that press outward and or against the individual partners cloaked in a cloud of shame and secrecy. Work can be rewarding, especially in their area of interest. writer and actor. The director has ab. Make this is a daily practice! We own nothing. Either he is concerned and interested in pursuing an answer to some obvious issues, or he is in complete denial. Are there any Christian books clearly discussing this? Several commenters pointed out that he was an Aspie. He is essentially much less mature than you, and thus he is unable to cope with the more complex adult problems in life. They seemed so small at the time. But you too have a part to play here. As a result, they may come across as insensitive or careless husbands. Blessings to all who are dealing with this. After years dealing with what I now know as Aspergers, it does takes a toll but it is not going to bring me down. I just wonder if at least some of it is a handy excuse. He has said he thought relationships were just that hard for everyone. Grab Wedding Month Deals on Marriage Courses! (Just because you have a thought, it doesnt need to be voiced. This can often lead individuals on the spectrum to think that theyre right and that they are justified in their actions. Keep in mind i have just been on my feet non stop for a 14 hour shift, not to mention I am in lockdown in a Covid unit. Im curious, however, what is your husbands response to his diagnosis and the effect his limitations have on you? The only choice is to take care of yourself and get healthy, which is exactly what I have been doing. I have a question for those married to someone with ab. It is instead of just focusing on our children or other household responsibilities. One last benefit of living with someone who has Aspergers Syndrome is the openness-mindedness about our family life. We all have faults, limitations and weaknesses, not to mention plain sinfulness. Taking care of you is important, Biblical, and not selfish. However, there are some deal breakers as I call them in marriage that if they arent addressed or accepted or owned and changed they will ruin a relationship because forbearance would be dangerous to ones soul, spirit and body and then its time for a big ol NO WAY! Take the garbage out of your mind daily! , If you cant seem to let go of an issue, ask to set a time to discuss it (in or out of our couples counseling session.). When they have a meltdown, he says Look at daddy. If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married. There is no simple answer to this question as it depends on the individual and the couples dynamic. Could Your Relationship Benefit from Marital Counseling? If you think your husband has Aspergers, there are some signs that can help you identify his condition. Along with these dynamics, we often seek partners who compliment us, and with whom we reenact familiar patterns of being in the world in our dating, relationships, and marriage. After reading about it, I have no doubt he does. For me, I dont want to miss the beauty and goodness of the moment because Im not paying attention. He took 2 hour lunch breaks and slept in is car most days. We all have expectations of our values as an individual and part of the union of marriage. When you are simultaneously relieved by the diagnosis and trapped, it is a perilous situation. He went to work EVERY DAY without touching me. Ask more questions. Despite all of these challenges, there are also many benefits to living with a husband who has Aspergers. The damage feels the same, the PTSD diagnosis is still PTSD. They may enjoy talking about their interests without considering the nuances of reciprocal communication; social cues, facial cues, body language. The most important aspect of happiness for many people with Aspergers syndrome (AS) is realistic expectations of others. My husband abandoned me emotionally, and physically when I was just 50 years of age. 8. Work Cant Be an Excuse. If you say, I want you to buy me flowers for Shabbos, and they buy you flowers, this indicates that you want them to make you happy. Living with Aspergers can be very challenging because it is a neurological disorder that impacts how a person perceives and interacts with their environment. What resources have you found helpful? You must grieve these real losses and your desire for the deep emotional connection you thought you would have in marriage. With husband and wife working hard, the marriage may be salvageable. As an Aspie, echoing this. I hope this reaches out to others that may be in this type of feel guilty situation that perhaps extends beyond the post here. If you are in a crisis or any other person may be in danger dont use this site. There can be many negative effects if my husband has Aspergers. Additionally, with other layers of unions that involve, interracial. This condition impacts how a person perceives and interacts with their environment, affecting all areas of life from socializing to working. To answer your question, Is my husband accepting of his diagnosis? They can focus for hours striving to master their giftedness. However, I think I can answer your question and refer you to a few other resources that may help you as well. When a person with ASD courts someone, that person sometimes becomes their special interest. Id encourage you to read his intro on Amazon where his wife asked him to take the test and his response. Does he show any concern, even if its hard for him to feel empathy? You should be able to communicate clearly with your partner and gain a greater understanding of them. A relationship can be built upon the foundation of respect, trust, and love if you are committed to your partner and willing to learn about their experiences and viewpoints. Living with Aspergers spouse is tough and a little help from a therapist can bring about a marked change in your relationship. Responsibility? Does a Dog's Head Shape Predict How Smart It Is? You may feel like you are constantly walking on eggshells, trying not to upset your Aspergers husband. He also might take things literally and get offended when someone says something sarcastic or makes a joke about him, without understanding the humor behind it. NO! If you are feeling unsafe or unhappy in your marriage, it is important to reach out for help. We met in college and he was the only person who truly understood me. They like routine, are resistant to change, and have trouble managing their own emotions appropriately; especially when something unexpected happens or they are under stress. The person with ASD can seem intensely devoted if a bit socially awkward. He may accidentally bump into and break a treasured antique vase that you received as a gift from your grandmother because he miscounted the steps he needed to take to get to the couch. When dating someone with Aspergers syndrome, you must be extremely clear about what you require. Ask questions and clarifications (but not too many! Theyll need specialized help from a counselor skilled in AS and in helping NT/AS couples. Have a blog question you'd like to submit? One is that they may not be able to read social cues well, which can make it hard to know when an argument is about to happen. I definitely dont want to be me today. "We have been married for 20 years. I chalked up his messy living situation when we met to the typical bachelor life. We are not married to perfect men nor are we perfect. I suspect that my husband is on the spectrum. Individuals on the Autism spectrum also lack social awareness and therefore arent able to pick up on peoples non-verbal cues or intentions. He told me I was not his type. Aspergers syndrome, as a distinct diagnosis, cannot be applied to each person individually. However, monopolizing a conversation (even when unintentional) can get in the way of a two-way communication flow. It can be difficult when you are married to someone who has Aspergers. Another important thing I try to do when living with someone who has Aspergers encourages him to get help if he needs it. Quote from Dr. Hans Asperger: "Many of those who do marry show tensions and problems in their marriage" (That is really putting it mildly.) Aspergers is characterized by having a high IQ and a strength in logical thinking. At the very least, Aspergers is a mild form of autism. Another sign is that my husband often has difficulty informing others of his needs. Question My husband is on the autism spectrum. Thats how Ive made it through these last six yearsstep by step toward healing. Rennet Wong-Gates, MSW, RSW, RP is a therapist who supports individuals and families in her private practice. Its possible that they struggle with certain emotions, but they can still have a healthy and fulfilling relationship. She believes her husband has Aspergers syndrome, despite the fact that he is on the autistic spectrum. One of the most important things you can do is to be patient and understand that your husband may not always understand what you are saying. Even if I tell him i have a dying patient and can not talk he wont/cannot shut up. If someone experiences a lot of stress in their life, this can trigger the symptoms of Aspergers. For this reason, these people may choose to remain isolated rather than take part in activities where they feel uncomfortable or anxious about what could happen if someone rejects them because of how they act or look. Making the space to hear how you can find each other again and understand each partners inner world also means setting reasonable concrete expectations, finding ways to establish routines, individual responsibilities of practical everyday life, activities to maintain emotional connections, self-determination, managing conflict, understanding the barriers to Aspergers communication, build in your own self-soothing and self-care, find ways to turn towards each other and to facilitate creative pathways. 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In life as soon as the pursuit stopped and other behaviors or lack thereof appeared on!